New Beginning
A star is born... again. Months of awareness shifts, grounding, becoming pragmatic.
Oceans take tears away
Stars light hope inside
Clouds shape into signs
Earth supports your stride
☆♡
Good tidings. I’ve been on quite the journey… Nowadays, I’m engaged in several projects that bring me such joy and fulfillment that I wish to focus all of my posting and blogging about. I am directed to shine light on what I find interesting and valuable, to bring awareness and funding to these initiatives, to inspire people with hope — all in my mission to help people & planet, which finally has some clarity.
First, I’m compelled to write a personal update as I rewrite a lot and lay a coherent foundation. I’ve been wanting to update my social media profiles, this blog and my websites to show the changes that have happened. I’m kinda cringing at a lot of what’s sitting on the web, which indicates growth and eagerness to update things to a point where I feel free to move forward purposefully.
I also want my random poetry and other musings to fit into proper places.
I’ve been traveling, maturing, refining ideas, working, and enjoying the deliciousness of life with friends. I’m shifting from a multi-year long phase of wild exploration and sense-making1 into a pretty good sense of self and purpose2.
For those who have been somewhat following my sporadic updates, maybe scratching their heads: after wrecking my car at the end of January I received messages of people wishing to support me in a fundraiser. I was grateful, but I held myself back. Kept making excuses about how I’m too privileged to receive help when others need it more (mostly true, but if someone else was in my situation I’d want to support them too). Perhaps it was also pride or something which influences me to not ask for help. I wanted to take it as a challenge to only accept money for something I’m actually doing, like even putting up a shop to sell my dad’s artwork and things I don’t need. Which I didn’t do. The weight of career and financial uncertainty has been too heavy, often paralyzing, causing me to make some weird decisions in a survival mode mentality. But I am very grateful, because the pressure has dispelled illusions and turned coal into diamond. At least that’s the narrative I’m running with.
Through much prayer and what I interpreted as synchronistic signs, I felt directed to go travel, to EdgeCity at ETH Denver and to Costa Rica, in order to network, to explore career opportunity and to begin recording media content like the interviews I started posting through my nascent brand Starscape. I jumped into it with some history of editing videos, streaming, amateur podcasting and being the son of a journalist. I actually received some very high praise with my very first interviews, being compared to a mix of Joe Rogan and Lex Fridman, in that I held space very well and made it more of a fun conversation. I did what I could to edit and post some of the thirty-ish videos in Costa Rica with limited internet connection, but the trip took a really weird turn which caused me to reconsider things again. This would be a whole post. The point is: I didn’t quit but paused, still committed to processing the rest of the videos and posting them in a different way.
There’s so much more I could talk about, like how ecstatic dances opened me up and revived my desire to DJ again and craft intentional experiences with music. Or how overcoming eight years of fear & hesitation with psychedelics was crucial to recent transformation. In particular, I’d love to articulate how I worked through deeply embedded, disempowering Abrahamic beliefs.
Two men I met in Costa Rica both said they could tell I was in this “ethereal” sort of place, very imaginative and dreamy that they used to be but not pragmatic like they are now. I took that to heart.
Among dozens of other firsts, including trying new fruits and building things, was getting comfortable with my own naked body. Despite being by myself at the most serene waterfall, there was a weird discomfort with simply chilling without clothes on… I never slept naked before, either. And now that I moved through that - WOW people are so oppressed by their own beliefs, nonsensical fears and ignorance.
After the gnarliest sunburn coupled with a seizure that opened a blister on my back resulting in 10/10 pain, I had two of the best weekends of my life at events Protopia Convergence and Bliss Burn. To be short, the former was a gathering of regenerative organizations with interest in crypto in an incredible place up in the mountains (the road was so treacherous that we got our tiny two-wheel-drive car stuck in a ditch as it slid backward, and five locals came to our rescue to push it out and leave it down there). Workshops, presentations, the most delicious & healthiest food. Bliss Burn was Costa Rica’s first Burning Man inspired event, and my first one as well. Held on a very magical plot of land,
I quickly put together a video of my coral reef snorkeling trip using InShot, testing some ideas. You can view some other raw footage and random clips on my Starlove YouTube channel, but I hesitate to share because I want to “catch it up”.
Recently, most conversations could be podcasts. Either because I’m talking with really brilliant people doing inspiring work that I wish to share with others, or because I find myself passionately and effectively articulating my perspective on a number of topics, oft to my own surprise and the emphatic encouragement by others. It seems that my ‘purpose’ is somewhere in here; but unlike before, I’m not going to assume with a distorted self-important ego. I’m just a guy; who thinks and feels deeply, who has taken some strange roads, and who still doesn’t know much even after a compressed lifetime of learning. So anyway, here’s a personal update before moving on to doing the work to uplift others, with others.
I do this weird thing where I yearn to edit & publish dozens of essay-shaped thoughts from journals and DMs, but then I only post a few things - and completely random ones. I’ve relied too heavily on bursts of inspiration, did not develop discipline with conviction, and was plagued by perfectionist fear of producing “sub-optimal” work. Funny thing, that. And with sharing personal reflections: it’s often been the case that when I work out my thoughts in a draft and sit on it, it becomes the transformative self-reflective therapy I needed. I’m not trying to make it all about me, it’s just been the season.
My capacity for quick and intense transformation is immense3. This is not a brag, maybe this is a great power but it certainly requires a great responsibility — and to what end, I do not know. There’s also been a fair bit of Shiny Object Syndrome, but it is such myriad exploration during my twenties that has defined who I am and what I value.
It is getting to be exhausting, so perhaps I’m at the end of most of it. Feels like I’m “catching up” to where I “should” be at this point of my life, at 29. I’d say these are simply thoughts & egoic projections, but I’ve been led by my heart and feedback from my environment that growth must occur. Some people remark that my wisdom & myriad skills are impressive for my age, but of course I look at thousands of others who I consider to be far more impressive. There is evidence that all this inner change has been necessary and not just some self-indulgent preoccupation, as my life is finally unfolding quite beautifully. There were things I needed to learn about myself, heal through, mature… to now get here, thinking: what am I actually doing, what service am I actually providing and to whom, and where are my actions taking me?
I was really weird. And I have said that more than once. Some weirdness is to be expected for humans growing up and living in such a weird world4! I’ve had a very weird life, thought some weird things, appreciated my weirdness but sought to become less weird. Really, I’ve sought to discern the good soulful weird which connects & creates, from the weird being projected from fear, doubt, regret, anger, emotional wounds.
“We don’t learn lessons in a day, we learn bits and pieces over time.” Grateful for her and the heartbreak that has humbled me and pushed me to learn all the bits and pieces.
I do wish to shift from these personal self-development updates because (1) time & energy are precious and there are generative actions being taken that I want to shine light on and increase collaboration & participation, and (2) it’s been feeling very icky in a too self-occupied, perhaps narcissistic way. I was still soul-searching and sense-making with enough meta-awareness of my place in the journey and the milestones to reach.
Every day during and since my trip to Denver and Costa Rica has been richer than the fresh fruit of that paradise. Expansion, contraction, epiphany, relapse, integration…
Responsibility. Masculinity. Emotional mastery. Prioritization and planning with realistic timelines. Service and discerning focus. Living fearlessly.
Memento mori = remember death = LOVE LIFE NOW
Numerous people have told me they’ve found a lot of value in my rants in DMs and Twitter threads; that I write ‘from the heart’ and that my ‘courage’ to share so honestly is ‘inspirational’ and that they relate to my struggles. Knowing we’re not alone is immensely helpful. This encourages me to keep doing so, but I will contain it in another channel (perhaps a book or a sub-blog) while I first focus my attention on the service work I’m here to do.
So, as I’ve begun shifting from self-occupation in my limiting beliefs into posting about the projects, people, information and organizations I wish to support & amplify, I’m updating my online presence through cringe and eagerness to explain where I’ve been and what’s unfolding. In a way, that’s still a trap - just do the things and let them speak. But I feel pretty good about this set of updates, though very far from the complete picture.
Through my many years, I have wiped profiles; as often as I moved with a military father. Mostly usernames, new games with new guilds, but equally so with irl personality shifts and concurrent social groups. Felt incongruous with a former self. Had really high expectations for myself; pushing for excellence but without a model or mentor. This time I’m not wiping, but did archive some posts. Was it all right, wrong, weird? And what was individuation like before the 90s? Was some of my behavior an effect of being the first generation to grow up with the wild internet and advent of mobile phones5, and all the other factors that formulate into something sometimes called or mistook for neurodivergence?
Anyway, I’m aiming to convey my thoughts in one-fourth the words. Bear with me.
I could say I’m a recovering intellectual, overthinker, escapist, addict, narcissist, savior. Really it’s like the wish I made to live a full-range human experience was being granted — be careful what you wish for6 type of thing? I also romanticized a starving artist life when I was succeeding hugely as a college dropout, and then I got it… But it’s been great, everything considered. Very privileged and grateful to experience what I have. I’m now thinking with more clarity, more humility and some actual pragmatism. I have such expanded awareness and deep appreciation for life, and now just hope to live long enough to materialize it into some good stuff!
Insert whatever analogy and feel-good idiom. Lotus grows in mud. Pressure turns coal into diamond. Flowers are the last to grow. Etc. I write this to maybe inspire whoever may be reading, struggling with making sense of their very crunchy life circumstances. To get to heaven, get through hell.
Note: there are cognitive hazards out there. Ideological and egregoric battles I did not imagine. Not all spiritual wisdom is wise.7 I’m not into dishing out advice anymore, but I would advise seeking a trusted mentor. I’d say don’t do what I did, thinking I could handle all the competing beliefs and cognitive dissonance with grace. I did ultimately handle it, but it was very messy and I wonder how much of it was necessary.
I was blessed to receive prolonged glimpses into heavenly states of being. As I edit this post I stumble upon this video and randomly jump to this point:
I am now seeking energy, clarity, productivity, legibility, ikigai prolificity.
I put some things in my social media bios, like “long-game serving humanity” and “soon™” to indicate that I knew generally the direction I was heading and that I wasn’t quite there yet. I didn’t want to be that guy, but I fully allowed myself to take as much time to grow my capabilities, refine my vision and adapt to redirections.
It doesn’t matter how fast you go, only the direction you travel. But if you aren’t moving, then know that it is easier to turn than to get started.
Well, this is a very long post and I haven’t yet mentioned what I’m doing with The Scientific & Medical Network, New Paradigm Navigators, EarthStock, SEEDSdot, Humanity Rising, Global Coralition and the web3 / regen / public goods space, SAVETHEYOUTH, Starscape Digital, Starscape Guild (started a book club and men’s circle), and a few more things. I’ll be going to Vibecamp in two weeks, my best friend’s wedding the week after, and hosting the Students of Spiritual Science Symposium two weeks after that. I’ve been enjoying cooking and enjoying delicious meals with my mother and friends, going to gym and taekwondo, researching health, keeping up with some of the geopolitical madness, etc.
I am doing a lot, honestly a bit too much with my current load. I’m calling in financial help for my bills & travel, for tools & resources for my projects, and for freelancers & interns to push all the chess pieces forward.
And following other recent conversations, there is much from my lived experience that I wish to write about and present in some speaking capacity. Considering setting up a Patreon, mini-fundraisers or paid posts on here. Again, not because I think my ideas are soooo valuable, but because they are somewhat valuable and helps me continue to develop my skills to become really valuable in the future.
If you got value out of this or anything I’ve done, or wish to support me financially for some other reason, I ask that you please do so. I’ve been trying to manifest a life where I never need to ask or beg, and that I can be the one showering others in support, but fate has been humbling me to my knees. Will post links very soon. I’ll pay it back & forward.
With love, in æther,
Bruce☆♡
I’ve been blessed with the residential support for years to dig into and heal my inner world. Existential crisis, archetype exploration, processing grief & trauma, adult masculine initiation... wild stuff. There’s always more to do, of course. Doing my best to be patient and graceful.
Sense of self (meta): just a silly mortal human with some thoughts & habits shaped by my environment, malleable by cultivating awareness and aligning my intentions virtuously. Purpose: develop and use my skills in a desire to enrich my life experience and help people & planet.
I’m using this phrasing to quote multiple astrologers interpreting my natal chart, particularly my Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in the anaretic 29th degree of Scorpio. If one word had to be used to describe my life up to this point, it would be intensity. Henceforth, I hope it’s grace.
Perhaps it’s always been weird and absurd. Every generation thinks they are living through the most weird and significant time in history. But today is weird and significant.
Actually crazy bro. 1990s babies lived through something different (as did each generation yes but we can acknowledge the unique problems). And now look at the younger generations? There are many successful humans today, but how is the majority doing?
“Be careful what you wish for” points at something that goes over most people’s heads: our wishes do shape reality. There are some rules and mechanics to this, which I’ve been discovering and can share some of what I feel is safe. We are disempowered, remembering that we can be that powerful.
In my surrender that I don’t know anything, and a life-long yearning to explore reality, I adopted beliefs that seemed true and useful. In hindsight, it seems that I wasted a lot of time and energy. Some of them cost me the most wonderful, fairytale love connection. Perhaps this begs me to explain what I think went wrong so that others can avoid it. Actually, I was given that opportunity many months later with a friend in a similar-enough situation. He did not heed my advice, and instead chose a lonelier path he interpreted as God’s Will despite the present-evidence of a better path. Prayed it would just work out in the end… instead of honoring the opportunities that are actually presented, gifted.